Keeping “Happy” in the Holidays: A Foster or Adoptive Parent’s Guide to Seasonal Survival
Many of us eagerly welcome Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the holiday season with anticipation of family gatherings, travel, festive music and decorations. But for many foster and adopted children, the holiday frenzy can overload and push them beyond their ability to cope.
Help your child stay calm and regulated during this time of year by remembering the three Rs:
Regulate – Focus on soothing your child by calming her fight/flight/freeze responses. Make your child feel calm, safe, and loved.
Relate – Connect with your child through an attuned and sensitive relationship. Validate your child’s feelings with your words and tone of voice. “I know you’re upset right now. This is very hard/scary/overwhelming.” Create space for your child to experience sadness, anger, fear, or frustration.
Reason – Once calm, guide your child to reflect, learn, remember, and articulate. Talk about alternative behaviors/choices, while reinforcing limits. Consider that heading straight toward reasoning with the expectation of learning will not work well if the child is dysregulated and disconnected from others.
Remember that your child:
- Needs you to help protect their boundaries
- Doesn’t have to sit on a stranger’s lap to get a picture they don’t care about for memories
- Doesn’t have to hug or kiss family or friends because it may appear “rude” not to
- May act out from being overstimulated and need some downtime
Help others by showing:
- What You Can’t See
o Many foster and adopted children have an internal struggle with trusting others, believing they are worthy, and believing they have enough food, love, and attention.
o Negative memories or beliefs cause some children to push away or try to control their parents or the situation.
o Many children have sensory integration challenges that affect their ability to remain calm and regulated.
- What You May See
o A cute, charming child who is often very aware of social situations and will manipulate people and circumstances to feel safe
o A scared child who is disconnected and afraid to engage with people
o A child who gets angry or shuts down easily over seemingly minor events
o Parents who are exhausted and feel misunderstood or blamed for their child’s behavior
o Discipline that appears too strict or lenient
- How You Can Support Our Family
o Reinforce our parenting decisions even if you don’t understand or would not parent the same way.
o Ask how you can help us. We have many needs but are often reluctant to ask for help.
o Encourage us and tell us we are doing a good job. We don’t hear this often.
o Pray for us and for our child!